Psychological Warfare
by SilverWolf1500
Summary: I am at the brink of solving the grandest crime of my career, I cannot have an assistant that can't follow simple orders. "Don't disappoint me, Derpy."
1. Chapter 1

Psychological Warfare-1

(AN- For some strange reason this popped into my head. So I went with it. Kind of along the lines of detective Pinkie, but kind of not. A weird pair up, Pinkie Pie and Derpy, I know. But it works and I'm proud of it, so here goes. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have writing it.)

Chapter 1:

'They don't call me the finest in Equestria for no good reason. No, I earned that title. And no case is going to stump the finest. So this case is not different, but why does it befuddle me so. The mere complexity of this dastardly doer intrigues me so. No half-wit criminal pulls off these stunts, and I don't plan on this one to either'

I lean back in my chair, both hoofs propped up on the only clean part of my desk. The rest of the surface area is tenanted with a whole slew of papers. Papers and folders that all accumulate to one case. An ordinary case cannot stump the finest, that's preposterous.

'Something must be missing. Even though I have a mickle of crucial information, not a single pen stroke is pointing me in the right direction.' I grab my pipe, and from it rise bubbles. I don't smoke tobacco, for that would only cloud the sharp mind that is of uttermost importance in my line of expertise. No, I keep my mind clean. But due to the public and their stereotypical ways, I must have a pipe in order to the one of the greats. So my pipe has bubbles that arise from the end.

'Besides, I may just have a thing for bubbles.' I smile, thinking of Derpy, my lovely assistant. With her on the job, or in the room, anybody can seem like the most brilliant mind around. But my scintillating mind doesn't shame poor Derpy, but instead it seems to compliment her. And deep down inside I know I have a guilty pleasure whenever she agrees to anything I say, which is always.

'I'm getting absolutely nowhere with this tonight' I grab a small bell that sits next to my shut down computer, and give it a solid ring.

In bounds Derpy, her wings flapping awkwardly in the small space of my office. "You rang Miss Pie?"

"Please Derpy, we've been through this before. My name is Pinkie, although I may be called Ms. Pie on the job. To you, though, I am Pinkie. Understand?"

"Yes Miss Pie. I understand." She stops flapping her wings and plops on the ground, almost loosing her balance.

I let a small chuckle slip through my cold and analytical demeanor, which Derpy's actions usually do to me. "I don't believe you do, Ms. Hooves."

"Why'd you call me by my last name?" Derpy tilts her head approximately 21.3 degrees to her right. Yeah, I'm that good.

"Well, you see, I am having the same problem with a certain pegasus I know." I take a puff on my pipe, and watch the bubbles dance, suspended in the thick air.

"Who is it? I could give them a talking to if you want!" Derpy's wings raise, as if to show her ability to put someone in their place.

I remove my legs from atop of my desk and rummage through my desk drawer. I pull out a mirror and hold it in front of me, then turn it around to face Derpy.

"But Miss Pie, that's me." Derpy looks into the glass, then gasps. "Am I giving you problems Miss Pie?" She looks at me, her crooked eyes saddened.

"That's just it Derpy!" I stand up and walk around my desk, then sit on the front of it, crunching a few papers as I lay my weight on the desk. "You keep calling me by my last name, which should be only used by those who require my assistance." I blow another bout of bubbles into the air, and I can tell Derpy is having a hard time focusing on me with the bubbles dancing around her.

"So I should call you by your first name?" Derpy asks, one eye trailing after a bubble that nears her head.

"Yes." I sigh, hoping this will drill into her head this time.

"Alright Pinkimena." Derpy beams.

"No no no, Derpy!" I place my pipe next to me. "See, now you have addressed me by my birth name. Only my family call me that, and I haven't seen them in ages. Granted, it is the name on my business card, but it is purely reserved for my folks. Heaven knows whats happening with them. Now, repeat after me. Pinkie."

"Pinkie." She folds her wings back against her side.

"Again, Pinkie." I grab my my coat and put it on.

"Pinkie." She stands taller, as if saying Pinkie is filling her with a sense of accomplishment.

"Splendid. Now, you shall refer to me as Pinkie, is that understood?" I say, wrapping this whole ordeal up.

"Yes Miss Pie." She smiles big, bursting with pride.

I freeze in place, shell shocked at the turnout. That was a lot of work for no return, which I am not used to. "Good day Ms. Hooves. I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning." I grab my hat and walk into the hall. "Try not to be late this time. As I always say, punctuality is key." I reach the door to exit and swing it open. The winter chill hits me in the face, but before I close the door behind me, I look down at my hoofs and frown. I am at the brink of solving the grandest crime of my career, I cannot have an assistant that can't follow simple orders. I look back to the grey mare who has followed me to the door. "Don't disappoint me, Derpy." I let the door slam shut.

I place my hat over my straight hair as the encroaching bitter cold nips away, trying to pierce its unwanted existence into my coat. 'Winter Wrap Up better arrive in a hurry, business is never good in the dead of winter, because no one wants to commit a horribly thought out crime during the winter. Too bad we are but two months away from spring.'

Apparently, due to this case's severity flung upon me, I realize that only the cunning strike during winter.

But whatever the weather may be, nothing will stop justice being served to those who have brought it upon themselves to break an Equestrian law. No one stops the detective on the job. 'The name's Pinkamena Diane Pie, be scared.'


	2. Chapter 2

Psychological Warfare-2

(AN- Here is the second chapter of this awesome [hopefully :3] story. Big thanks to ABleakMidwintersDay back at fanfic for reading this story way before posting. Let me date the heck out of this, it is September 30, 2013 as I write this. I hope you enjoy this chapter!)

Chapter 2:

After waking up in the comfort of my warm home, at a much to early hour, I throw on my coat and hat, then trudge through the snow. Swearing to the cold the entire way, I finally reach my workplace. I open the door, shake the snow off of my coat and hat, then enter the building. Placing my items on a coat rack on the outside of my door, I enter my room.

"Hey Pinkie!" I hear Derpy's sweet voice coming from my chair. She sits there, blowing bubbles from my pipe, having a grand old time. "You forgot your pipe here at the office last night." She says, then blows in it some more, filling my office with bubbles.

"Thank you, Derpy." I smile, finally I have been addressed properly. She hands me the pipe and I grab it. Not bothering to wipe it clean, I pop it into my mouth. "Now, we are going to do some active investigation today, Derpy, so you might want to pour yourself a cup of coffee. And while you are at it-"

"One cream and five sugars, got it." Derpy flies out the room, and I watch her leave. Usually I have to repeatedly tell her what I put in my coffee, but not today. 'Hmm. Are you sure this is the real Derpy?' I shake my head.

Clearing my throat, I study the papers that litter my desk. Skimming through all the information I find myself circling around. I lean back in my chair and go through the facts once again.

November 27th 5:23AM. A distress signal was sent to the royal guards via horseback. The theft took place in Fillydelphia. A huge snowstorm raged on the town, covering the streets. Just before sunset, the snow stopped, but it hasn't cleared up from the ground yet. The manor that the theft took place was about a five minute trot from the city, and this manor held the mayor of Fillydelphia. He supposedly woke up to hearing someone rummaging through his kitchen. Just before he could make out what type of horse the mysterious thief was, a large flash of light blinded the mayor. Upon further notice once his eyes readjusted, he discovered that his computer had been hacked into. He doesn't know what data was stolen, other than a flash drive that held the plans for the next Hearths Warming parade. This may be more than just the break in, but something bigger that will happen during the parade that is dated for next week on the 11th of December.

This is why this is a big case. Much more pressure is placed on a detective whenever they are expected to prevent a crime. Obviously there is a time limit, the parade, and people are scared. This isn't good for the tourism business any bit.

The initial theft was the start of something I must stop. Again, this all happened the morning of November 27th.

Seven days later and I'm here in my office with a stack of papers and not one single clue.

But this is all information on what the criminal did, but nothing leading me to a who. I need to investigate the scene. That is why I planned a meeting with the Mayor around brunch time. I'll take him to eat, ask him questions, then head back to his place to investigate. And assisting me, of course, will be Derpy.

'Speaking of which...' I think just as Derpy enters the room.

"Here's your coffee Pinkie! Just how you like." She hands me the mug, and I set it on the corner of the desk.

"Derpy, why did you stay here at the office all night?" I ask. I see the way her mane tangled ever so slightly from a lack of brushing, a minuscule twitch in her wings from caffeine buzz that is on the verge of wearing off, the rate of her blinking twice as normal, and most importantly, the liquid from popped bubbles everywhere. All this tells me that Derps did not go home last night, and instead stayed here and played with my pipe.

"Oh. I uh, I stayed up so I wouldn't be late. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I don't like it when you are disappointed with me Pinkie. So while I sat here, I just thought how could I be a better assistant to you. I racked my brain for everything you say to me every day."

"There was no need for staying here at the office all night!" I exclaim.

"I didn't want to chance it." Derpy kicks here hoofs softly on the ground, looking at them intently to avoid my gaze.

Honestly, I'm flattered, but this is not what I wanted. Well, it is, but I didn't want Derpy to go through this trouble. "Derps. You should get some sleep before we head off to Fillydelphia, ok?"

"Yes Pinkie." Derpy yawns and slowly flies out of my room. A few ticks of the clock later and I hear the gentle snoring of the mare. After listening for many moments to the soothing sound of her peaceful slumber, I take out a small notepad and prepare some questions for the mayor.

Nothing of great importance pretty much sums up the questions on my notepad. All of the answers I may receive will validate what's on paper. I just need to see with my own eyes the crime scene in order to formulate further in my mind.

I think I may have a question that will help me though, and it will be a hard one to answer. That is precisely why I pray for cold weather today. The longer I don't receive answers, the colder the interviewee will become. Based on the Mayor's 'I need to have a comfortable life because I'm rich and important' attitude, I don't plan on staying out in the cold for long.

I watch the grandfather clock tick, the pendulum swing back and forth.

Back..

Forth..

Back..

For..

My eyes snap awake and I look to my clock. 9:30. I'd better hail a cab right now if I plan on arriving at Fillydelphia on time for our appointment.

I shake the tiredness out of my eyes and walk down the hall to Derpy's room. I knock on the door and hear Derpy's snoring screech to a halt. Then I hear her playful bounce in her step as she approaches the door.

Bop bop bop bop. The door swings open, and a yawning Derpy stands on the other side. "Grab yourself a coat Derpy." I say, while putting mine on. "It's about to get chilly."


	3. Chapter 3

Psychological Warfare-3

(AN- well, here goes. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Whenever I type this story I see it in black and white, so I probably won't make a color description of things. But it is ok if you see it in as many colors as you wish.)

Chapter 3:

"Yes Pinkie!" Derpy grabs a coat and stuffs herself in it. I can't help but to laugh, because due to the thickness of the jacket she looks like a giant marshmallow. And to keep her wings warm there are no holes in the side so she can't fly. "Is this how you feel all the time?" She asks me, the jacket moving as she readjusts her wings to optimal comfortability.

"Referring to the obvious trait about an earth pony, the inability to fly? Yes, that is how I feel." I blow into my pipe and head for the door. "If we hail a carriage now we will get there in about 43 minutes, given that there is no complications along the way." I glance sideways at a very content Derpy, not putting it above her to be the cause of one of those mentioned 'complications'.

In return for my glance to Derpy I receive a warm smile. A smile so warm I feel as if I may need to shed my coat to prevent a fever. 'If anypony knows how to make a smile brighten everypony's day, this is the mare.'

I let out a shrill whistle to an immobile carriage across the street. "Come on Derps." We trot up to the rickety wooden cab and hop into the back.

"Where ya' ladies headin'?" The stallion grunts, scarfs wrapped around his neck so thick I wonder if he can really breathe.

"Fillydelphia." I say. He turns his head around, moments away from kicking us out of his carriage and refusing to take us such a long distance. In response to his reluctance I toss a bag of bits, and they land at his feet.

Sheer shock plasters on the cab hauler's face. "That's got ta be 'bout-"

"150 bits, that's right. Fillydelphia, please." I tap on the seat impatiently.

"Yes ma'am!" The stallion starts off slow to unstick his wheels from the snow, then quickens the pace from a trot to a full gallop.

Many minutes of pure silence past, the two of us listen to the whispering of the wind as it flows from our manes down to our tails, the creaking of the wood axle handling the tough terrain, and the panting of the sprinting stallion who pulls us toward our destination.

The terrain changes from forest, to snow covered plains, and rugged hills, then back to snow covered trees. About three quarters of the way in the mare to my right taps me on the shoulder, interrupting my thoughts. "So what are we going to do when we get there Pinkie?" Derpy asks, her hair flapping behind her in the winter wind.

"We are going to meet up with the Mayor, ask a few questions, then investigate on sight."

"That's always fun!" Derpy giggles.

"But you better not let what happened last time happen this time. I don't want you to do more damage to the house than the thief did." I say, remembering the case of the stolen magical jade necklace at the crystal empire. Derpy smashed more decorative pots than I thought were even in the castle. Not a pot untouched, all broken. Suffice to say there was a lot of clean up involved once we left, and we cannot come back for mere recreational purposes any time soon.

"Yes Pinkie, I'll be real careful." Derpy stands on her hoofs. "You can count on me! I'm the most carefullest pony around." She executes a playful hop. Upon landing, a very eerie series of groans and cracks comes from the carriage. In a hurry the entire wooden cab dismantles into a snowy, splintery heap onto the ground.

As I said. She would be the cause of these mentioned complications.

"Here." I say, my voice flat. I toss the guard another bag of bits. "Go back to town and buy yourself a new carriage, we will walk the rest of the way." I frown and glance at Derpy, who stares at her hoofs in shame.

The stallion leaves the broken mess and heads off to town by himself. "Come on Derpy, it isn't much further."

She follows me with her head hanging low. "Chin up Derpy, he will get a new cart. A better one in fact."

"Yeah, but with your money! I'm so sorry pinkie. I probably shouldn't have come with you." Derpy kicks in the snow, leaving round hoof prints behind.

"Now don't say such a ridiculous thing!" I cry. "What good is a detective without their trusty partner by their side on cases like these? None. Not one bit worth of results can stem from an assistant lacking detective."

"We'll then maybe you should just get a new partner. One that doesn't ruin everything like me!" Derpy puts her head down again, a warm tear hits the snow and sizzles, melting away the snow in its path, until it is contained and frozen by the cold.

"No one can replace you Derpy. Remember that. Out of all the ponies of Equestria, there is not one that I would choose over you."

"You mean it?" Derpy's yellow eyes look into mine. The air surrounding us, once mobile now seems still, deathly still. The bitter cold wind that ripped and tore at our coats and skin seemed to mellow out and warm up. The rustling of the trees slowed down just for the moment where Derpy and my eyes are locked together. As frozen as the earth itself we stand, gaze unbroken. Two mares become one with the forest as time awaits my answer.

"I do." I nudge her shoulder that is covered by the insanely fluffy jacket, then press my side against hers. "Come on Derpy, it isn't much further."


	4. Chapter 4

Psychological Warfare-4

(AN- nothing much to say, other than please enjoy!)

Chapter 4:

"Ah, here we are. Fillydelphia. And look at that! Only twenty five minutes late." I say, rolling my eyes. 'Punctuality is key my flank. It looks like I have no morals at all when stuff like this happen. I should have set off at a much earlier time. Why do I not learn! I'm traveling with Derpy for goodness sakes!'

"And that is thirty minutes too late." I tell Derpy, and walk deeper into the city. "Imagine how angry the Mayor may be because we are so late. Here he comes now." I see a stallion walk towards us.

"Ms. Pie! Right on time, good to see you." The Mayor runs up and shakes my hoof. "And it's a pleasure to see you too Ms. Hooves." He nods his head toward Derpy.

I shrug, apparently I wasn't that late. Or... "Ready to go catch a bite, Mr. Mayor? I want to talk things over before we begin the initial investigation."

"Why of course! And I know just the spot. Come, follow me." The Mayor trots ahead of us.

"I like him. He is nice." Derpy says.

"Derpy, you like everyone. Just keep your eyes peeled."

"Okie dokie Pinkie pokie." Derpy says, then loses herself in a giggling fit. I shake my head and keep walking after the mayor, a slight smile growing on my face.

The busyness of the city, despite the freezing weather, astonishes me. Ponies going here and there, shopping for Hearth's Warming Day. Back in Ponyville, the streets are empty; everyone is at each other's houses, enjoying the company on these chilly days, or at home, spending time with family. Ah, there isn't anything better than some hot coco next to fire.

I sigh. 'Those days are over Pinkie, you are a detective now. Your reputation means more than silly drinks and being lazy. Now stand up and get those questions ready! This case is bigger than any joys of the holiday.'

"Here we are, Ms. Pie. Care to take this inside?" The mayor opens the door to let me enter first.

"Actually, I was planning on being served out here on the patio." I say.

"The patio! Why, it's barely over freezing outside!" The Mayor frowns.

"Then we must make it quick." I slide past him and brush off the snow from an iron chair that sits outside, and Derpy takes her seat next to mine. The Mayor slowly closes the door and joins us at our table.

"So." The mayor shivers. "What would you like to ask me?"

"Right down to business? Alrighty." I slowly pull out my notepad and flip through a few pages. I see multiple notes, sketches of Derpy, dimensions of various landmarks in Equestria, until I finally flip to the prewriten questions. "Ah, here we are. The questions. So, Mr. Mayor, can you tell me exactly your routine the night before the break in?"

The Mayor wraps the scarf that rests upon his neck once more around, then begins. "Alright. I started off around seven o'clock with one donut-"

"That's a lie." I halt his sentence, instantly picking up on the telltale signs of false information.

"It's not nice to lie to Pinkie, Mr. Mayor." Derpy frowns, snuggled in her heavy coat. Pinkie gives Derpy a nod of approval, and Derpy's cheeks blush ever so slightly. But, of course, detective Pinkie caught the tiny color difference.

"Fine, you got me. I had two donuts." But after this, my stare doesn't diminish. The mayor sighs. "I had six donuts."

"Good. Mr. Mayor, you must work on either your self control or your self conscience, because you cannot have both of these qualities poor at the same time to the point where you are willing to lie about a mere detail that anypony would brush off and conclude as unimportant to any story that may involve the amount of donuts you consumed. Now that we are on the same terms here, please continue." I tap my bubble pipe on the table in front of him impatiently. "Unless you don't mind waiting in the cold."

"Y..yes Pinkie."

"The names Ms. Pie." I butt in. "Forgive me for being so curt, but I am on the clock."

"Yes Ms. Pie. So, after the donuts, I went to the bathroom to wash up for the night."

A stallion wrapped in heavy clothing exits the building and walks up toward us. On the table he rests three menus. "Here you go. What can I get you to drink?" He asks us, shivering.

"I'll have a iced, caramel coffee please." I say, and in return I get a funny look. The look screams, 'are you crazy? Iced coffee in the freezing cold?'

The stallion turns to Derpy. "And to you?"

"Hot chocolate, please." She orders.

"Same for me, thank you." The Mayor says.

"Alright, I will be out with your drinks shortly." The stallion dashes inside.

The Mayor clears his throat and continues. "After I washed up I slid into my bed and plugged in my ear buds, because I cannot stand falling asleep to the hustle bustle of the city."

"And that was it?" I prompt.

"No, around two in the morning I woke up to get a small glass of water. And.. another donut." He confesses.

I tap on the table with my hoof, soaking it all in. "Ok, next question."

"Aren't you going to write any of these answers down?" The Mayor asks, seeing that I, the detective, has no pencil with me.

"No, why would I have to. Are you questioning my ability to remember small details in an answer? Listen here," I point the note pad at the Mayor. "I'm going to remember more important details in any statement that you don't even realize you say. This is my job, and this is why I am the best at my job."

Just then the waiter stallion returns with three styrofoam thermoses. "Here's your drinks."

Derpy rapidly grabs her drink. "Thank you mister!" she says, then starts chugging on the warm beverage.

"Have you decided on what to eat?" The stallion continues.

Before the Mayor could respond I say, "Yes, as a matter of fact. If you would, could we get a dozen donuts? Extra glazed please." The stallion nods –which looked quite pathetic due to the thickness of the scarf he wore– and walks back inside.

"Now, next question." I smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Psychological Warfare-5

(AN- Please enjoy chapter 5 of Psychological Warfare!)

Chapter 5:

Questions roll by as the weather seems to grow colder and colder. Three donuts are gone. Five. Seven. Soon there is only one donut left, and the trio had all but exhausted the amount of refills for their hot beverages, yet continue to allow their mug to be topped off by the bundled up server, who works solely for the tip.

"C-can I go inside Pinkie?" Derpy shivers, an ashamed look appears on her face.

"Of course you can Derpy. Why don't you go and warm up, and we will finish up soon." I smile at Derpy. She nods, then slowly trudges through the snow, looking rather stiff, toward the door of the cafe.

"I have one more question for you, Mr. Mayor, and then we can continue with our investigation in a warmer place." I grab the last donut nonchalantly as I noticed subtle signs from the mayor telling me that he was contemplating reaching for it. I stuff it in into my mouth, then I begin the last question, swallowing the last of the donut in my mouth.

"Who might have any negative feelings towards the Hearth's Warming Parade, that you know of?"

The Mayor frowns, thinking deeply. "Not anyone that I really can pinpoint at the moment."

"That's alright. We will find this out soon enough once the culprit is taken care of." I toss five bits on the table as a tip for the waiter, not too much, not too little. From the outside I wave through the window to Derpy, and she comes hopping out of the coffee shop, much happier since she spent a few minutes warming up and thawing out.

I pat on Derpy's giant poof jacket. "Come on Derps. We are going to investigate on site at the manor. Now when you're there I want you to keep your eyes peeled for any clues." I say.

"Okay Pinkie!" Derpy hops after me as the Mayor hurries to hail a carriage.

The bitter cold imposes itself in my coat and lower, all the way down to the bone. 'I am more than ready to get out of this weather.' I say to myself. "Now." I start relaying the facts to Derpy. Not because I expect her to remember them, -why, that'd be torture to the poor mare, forcing her to remember more than she already has last night- but just to relay them back to myself.

"November 27th at 5:23 in the morning a distress call was sent to the royal guards by some unlucky messenger pony. The theft took place in Fillydelphia, where we are right now. A huge snowstorm raged on this town not too long ago, and you can still see the snow covering the streets." Derpy nods at this, looking at all the snow. "The manor that the Mayor lives is has been broken into. The story is that the Mayor woke up to hearing someone rummaging through his kitchen. Just before he could decipher what type of equine the intruder was, a large flash of light blinded him. After his eyes readjusted, he noticed that his computer had been hacked into. He doesn't know what, or how much data was stolen, other than a flash drive that held the details for the next Hearths Warming parade."

"What are we going to do when we get there?" Derpy asks, fiddling with the zipper on her jacket, flicking it up when it falls down. Up, then it falls down. Up, down, up, down.

I put my hoof over the zipper, stopping the annoying clanking of metal on metal. "I want you to poke around and see if you can find any clues, while I do a little hacking of my own on the Mayor's computer to trace data transfer, to see if more than the Hearths Warming Parade information was taken." I explain the game plan to Derps.

"Really? I'm going to find all the clues!" Derpy jumps high in the air, but doesn't take off like she intended to, because her wings are bundled up, so she lands on her chest on the snow, leaving a Derpy shaped imprint in the snow. She gets up and giggles at this, and makes a few more Derpy prints next to the original.

Pinkie nodded, her mind not on Derpy, but on the case. All the information she really would need is going to be on the computer, so assigning Derpy to clue finding shouldn't hurt anything. But with Derpy on any job, thinks labeled as safe should always be considered harmful in her hands. And now she finds that her mind is indeed on Derpy, not the case.

Shaking her head, she trots a bit faster to catch up with the Mayor, who has found a cab. He gets in the back, I climb in the back, and I have to whistle to catch Derpy's attention. When she hears me she gets up off the snow covered ground and bounds over to me. The entire carriage rocks when she leaps in the side. "Now careful Derpy! We don't need what happened last time to happen again." I warn her, hinting at the broken carriage i had to pay for.

"Sorry Pinkie." She says, once again fiddling with her zipper. This time I let her have at it, knowing that it will occupy her attention the entire ride. Better that than something else, for Derpy is the first mare that would randomly hop out of a moving cart. Heck, she'd hop out a moving train!

After a few cold minutes, the cart rolls to a stop and the three of us hop out. The Mayor pays the stallion, then walks to his house. Derpy and I follow, and I can feel Derpy's excitement. I can also hear it, because her wings rapidly rub on the inside of her jacket.

The Mayor jiggles with a few keys, and then unlocks his front door. "Welcome to the crime scene, my home."


End file.
